This was the best Saturday ever! Two of my closest friends came over to my place and spent the day with me because they knew that I have been feeling really down and hopeless lately. For the past two weeks or so I have felt so down about life and my struggles. Things only got worse this week when I found out that I didn’t get the internship that I wanted so badly (my friend got it instead) and when I got some of my grades back which weren’t so great. I know to many people this doesn’t seem like something I should get upset about, but to me it was a big deal. Its a big deal to me because with the chaos and struggles in my life, I have always been able to depend on my achievements in school to keep me going.
My achievements in academics and extracurricular has always been a source of hope for me when everything else in my life has fallen apart because it was the one thing that will help me be on my own, and help my family and I financially. So when I got the news that I didn’t get the internship and that I wasn’t doing well in all my classes I lost it and broke down. My world just stopped and all I felt was pain that made my eyes flood with tears and my heart heavy. I wanted to give up on everything!
All I wanted to do was crawl into my bed, cry, and never come out. I didn’t know what to do in the midst of all of this…so I went to one of the chapels on campus and prayed. I told God what was really on my heart. I was brutally honest and told Him that even though I want to keep going and trust him, I couldn’t. My future seemed dark. I wondered to myself if the struggle would ever end…would I ever get my happy ending? This week I didn’t think I would ever get my happy ending, I stopped trusting in God’s plan for me. But in the middle of my breakdown my friend, Christine, came to the rescue.
She brought me nothing but love and support. Today she even came over to my place with my other friend, Gina, to spend the day with me and bake. Christine and Gina gave me nothing but LOVE recently. And that is exactly what I needed…LOVE! While me and my friends were baking we ran into some baking disasters which were turned into very delicious baked goods…yum! Our baking disaster taught me that even when you think there is no way to fix things or make them better…there is always a way. The final product is better than you planned or imagine.
Everything happens for a reason. So trust lets trust in God’s plan for us because it is better than the plans we have for ourselves.
“If being a Christian isn’t hurting you and is not painful, you are not doing something right”. This is one of the many things that I heard tonight when hearing one of my classmates was telling his testimony. I honestly was on the verge of tears when I heard him speak about his struggles and how he has grown in his faith. When he spoke about his faith I related to a lot of the things that he spoke about…of course I can’t compare where I am in my spiritual journey with where he is in his journey (can’t compare my chapter 12 with someone else’s chapter 21!), but I could relate to his struggles and the drive to have a strong faith and a close relationship with God.
Every word that he spoke tonight was what I needed to hear. Lately I have been feeling down, and honestly I don’t know why! I have tired to understand it by saying that Christmas is around the corner, which is such a difficult time for my family and I ever since my uncles death about two years ago. But I don’t think that is the reason I have been so down and unmotivated recently. Now I just think that I am just burnt out and tired of constantly working hard and struggling in every aspect of my life. Since the start of this semester I have been constantly working hard in my academic life, my spiritual life, counseling sessions, repairing relationships, and so much more!
I have now reach the point that I am burnt out and tired of everything…I honestly wish that my life was easier.Every time that I think or even say “I wish my life was easier”, I am reminded that flowers don’t grow without rain and rainbows only appear after a storm. Along with these little reminders my counselor in my very last appointment told me “You are stronger than you think. You have been through A LOT of hardships, struggles, and difficult times and you are still here and functioning”. When she told me this I was fighting back my tears and was in shock at the same time because I never thought that I was strong. I always saw myself as someone who was weak. But as my counselor was telling me that I am strong and why, I actually started to believe that I am strong. Now let me be honest…just because I believed what my counselor told me doesn’t mean that I always think that I am strong. I still have many moments everyday where I think I am weak.
As I am writing this blog I am feeling weak, burnt out, and worn out with no motivation what so ever to do the things that I need to do like start my project that is due on Friday or pack my things so I can move them to my new housing arrangement on campus. I have no motivation what so ever I am lost right now and I don’t even know what I am trying to say in this blog post. I am in need of some spiritual direction right now. I was lucky enough to get some direction tonight when I heard my classmate spoke but I need something more. And I don’t know what that more is. Maybe that more is moving during in the middle of the semester and getting somewhat of a fresh start. I really don’t know. Even though I don’t know what I need in order to get myself back up again, I know that everything will be okay because my future is in God hands and he only wants good things for me.
“Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days – when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when your out of options, when the pain is great – and you turn to God alone.” – Rick Warren